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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 5:47 pm

Okay so I am in a situation right now and I need some advice from outside forces...I have already asked some of my friends...but I'm asking you guys here....I have only one other message board I posted this on...but I didn't broadcast it there just posted it in like a small little section of the board and didn't post any details... anyway...I really need some outlook on this mess from you guys(it's a little more small and homely here!) so here goes...


My Step-Father had some co-workers over at his house to watch the UFC fight on PPV...I had just arrived at my house...I was out with my friends and had to make a stop home before we went out again...okay babbling...Well there was this guy there (Matt)Super Freakin cute! Smile and really really nice...So I was Chatting it up with him while I was there...I remember telling my friend when I walked out the door that he was a bit friendly and he better watch out for pops cause he'd have a fit...I was joking only to discover that he actually approached my step-dad about his interest in me....my mother was telling me the whole story and I'm just laughing,but the whole time inside I'm gushing and excited by the news...but the problem ensues....He's a great guy,has his own place,goes to college,has a great job,really nice etc....but My Step-dad told him HELL NO! which pissed me off....and the only reason that he said no was because he isn't black! and he raves about the guy on a regular basis,but after that night he now doesn't mention his name much and he hasn't been back over to my house to watch a fight since... I still think of him from time to time and this was over 6 months ago I still upset by it cause he was a great guy...Now cut to a few weeks ago...My mom has just picked me up from work and she tells me that her hubby was trying to set Matt up with her co-worker (Shelly who's white)...now this was weird to me because Shelly is Engaged to be Married in may...he knew she was involved...but apparently didn't know she was engaged Rolling Eyes regardless of not knowing she was engaged he shouldn't have been trying to set him up with a girl who's already involved in the first place....drifting...apparently the reason for him trying to set him up was because Matt is still asking about me! Shocked this is news to me....Still I can't seem to just let it go I just really want to talk to him...but I know if I were to ever try to see him and if I get caught then it could turn out UGLY and be a really messy situation....

Here's the story now the question I have is....

although I haven't seen him since that day...I have a number on him and I have a friend that works with them now...I want desperately to make something happen with him even though I know the risk the drama I don't want but I could deal with the scrutiny,but I wouldn't want to drag him into any mess he doesn't deserve that...What I want to know is I should just let it go or pursue it anyway?


I have weighed the pros and cons of the situation heavily...If I talk to him he could not like me or vice versa and it will be done over...of the problem is what if I wind up really liking him and he the same? IDK what to do and it's making me miserable! Sad


the other thing is that since him all the other guys that I have liked...Were not black...and all great...so this would be a problem regardless...I mean IDK...I need help...all my peeps say I should go for it and they all know just how crazy the asshole he is....Help?....



*p.s.-So Sorry this is so long,but I didn't know how to shorten it with it sounding right*
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cklover42
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 6:23 pm

PURSUE IT! First of all color shouldnt be an issue and if it is with your stepdad then that is just that...an issue for your stepdad. My boyfriend is white and honestly because of my taste in men I have never dated anyone but a white guy and I am black. Where I grew up color was never an issue and my family is ridiculously mixed lol you can barely tell we are all related. The main thing you have to think about is that if you didnt call him you would regret it. You are old enough to make your own decisions and decide what is best for you. It sounds like your stepdad is just being close minded and there is no reason for you to carry that around with you. No matter what you have to follow your instincts. You are an adult your decisions will affect you the most out of everyone else involved. I think regretting not doing something is the worst thing you can do. Plus the fact that Matt is still talking about you six months later says a lot! Go for it. Dont let your stepfather live for you. You have to live for yourself besides this is 2009 he needs to wake up and realize that attitude has got to go. I hope you call Matt and you must keep me informed if you do lol.
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Stargazer
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 6:35 pm

i'd totally purse it girl. And i agree with ^ that it shouldn't matter the colar of someone's skin. If you and he click than i believe that it should be given a chance.
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Lusty
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 6:53 pm

A part of me can't help but wonder if there's more to your father's disapproval of Matt than just skin color. It's unfortunate that he feels the way he does in this day and age where race shouldn't matter. But it's just like cklover said, if you choose not to reconnect with Matt all you'll be left with is regret.

What is your mother's opinoin about Matt? I only ask out of pure curiosity.
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cklover42
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 7:02 pm

Unfortunately there are still people out there who do feel that way about race then too the generation who grew up in a time when race was a huge issue are still around and some of their kids inherited that type of thinking. Luckily most of us are past those times. Now I am curious about your mother as well. It seems like she is ok with it since she is the one who told you about her husband trying to set matt up and all the other info.
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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 7:16 pm

thanks guys...I just think my major thing about it is the backlash...he could not like Matt all he wants,but the drama that follows is the only problem...he is very close-minded and a bit on the angry side and I just know if he were to find out about this...and he would try to make my life hell if he found out...I live with my parents still and it's seems so risky and I hate the fact that I would have to pursue a secret relationship with someone because of the family I have...My mom has the same views he does except she is not near as extreme as he is...she would for the sake of her love for me eventually get over it...atleast I think she would...I think I should speak to her about it I'm afraid to though...Daddy dearest will NEVER and I mean NEVER let up...he has been this way all my life and has expressed these sentiments to me all of my life...Now I will admit I have had my own predijuices throughout my life taught or whatever the case,but I have struggled all my life to fix my viewpoints and become a better person and I think I'm finally truely there...but unfortunately my people haven't gotten there yet!....but anyway I am still considering the options...and If I call him I have a cute way to do it..because he actually doesn't know I have his number...stalkery maybe but I say resourceful hehe!


Lusty-There is no doubt in my mind that the only reason he is against Matt and I is because he is white...I mean he has always been predijuice...and has always been vocal against inter-racial dating...his sister is married to the only white guy throughout my entire extended and actual family lol! and he has been devoted to her for over 30 years,and we like him,but surprisingly she is the only family member we see the most...and he actually likes the guy but the way he speaks about them is terrible...basically he's racist...bad experiences or not the way he is uncalled for!


My Mom thought he was nice,but a bit odd...honestly she only told the story because she thought it was funny she has no idea that I had any interest in him..she only told me for laughs....but I will throw in that he got a bit drunk when he was there..which she didn't like...but a ton of people have gotten a bit wasted...myself included lol!


but I am really leaning towards calling him...hopefully he isn't too scared from the light-hearted/serious threats...the rejection doesn't matter more than me missing out on an oppurtunity to get to know a cool guy!
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cklover42
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:36 pm

That really sucks that such a close minded and extreme view is what is in the way of you getting to know Matt. I really dont have a lot of experience with that area because I was blessed with a family who sees past that. My grandfather married a white woman during the time when that was not even thought of really. Her parents disowned her but they didnt care. Before her my grandpa was married to my grandma who was native america. So my mom is black and native america. Her two sisters and one brother are black and white. My boy cousin is black and white and is 8....he is so cute lol. My other two little cousins are black, white, and hispanic. And my other cousin is black and micronesian. So like I said......we have it all in my family and thats just the immediate family. I really dont know how my family got so open minded but I am lucky they did or I would have never been able to date lol. I am attracted right off the bat to guys with blond hair and blue eyes or green eyes so yea....would have been pretty lonely lol. I hope everything works out and I know that it wont be easy but you wont live with your parents forever and you do need to live your own life.
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Lusty
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:46 pm

*Shantanee* wrote:
Lusty-There is no doubt in my mind that the only reason he is against Matt and I is because he is white...I mean he has always been predijuice...and has always been vocal against inter-racial dating!
Gah. I can't begin to imagine how frustrating that must be for you. I'm sure you feel as though you want to shake your dad by the shoulders and slap the prejudicness out of him. But he seems to be set in his ways and not willing to change one bit, judging from how you've described him.

I wish there was more I could say in order to better help you out, but I have nothing more to offer. You've weighed the pros and cons, now it's up to you to decide which way to go from here. Just know that you can always turn to us as well as your other friends for whenever you need love/support/etc. Smile
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Tamran
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:50 pm

i'm with the others here that you should go for it. i hate to know that you didn't at least try. i do understand that you still live at home and what not. i think a lot of people would be shocked at how on the inside of homes things like this still happen and ALOT! then when they are on the outside or around others they just go with the flow, but when at home they preach a different story.

i wish there was an easier way for you. cause it's wrong that he is in fact trying to control your life that way. it's wrong. maybe you should think about talking to your mom about it. she may be a little more understanding if she knew that you did in fact like the guy as well.

i know that i wouldn't want drama either...but i think sometimes we just have to do what we are really feeling in our hearts and then take what comes with it later!

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VelvetRainDrops
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:14 am

I say follow your heart. I wish I would of listened to mind. Smile
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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 3:23 am

Thanks guys I appreciate the support....Well I kept these comments in mind today at work and I actually worked up enough courage to text Matt today...and after playing guess who with him...at first he thought I was Shelly....until I told him who I was and he says "I was about to guess young Henderson(asshole's last name).Not sure if Im allowed to talk to you n private yet!" and I text him and told him yea i know he wasn't allowed to,but I'd just thought I'd give it a shot anyway and I texted him out of curiosity...he didn't text back for a while...bad sign of course...he basically never even acknowledged what I said and talked around it...So I just told him to keep this conversation between us and I didn't want to make trouble for him so just disregard the conversation...he was sweet and said ok enjoy your weekend and thanks for saying hi...and now I'm miserable...Well I did try though...I just hate that I got turned down not because of something I said or did,but because he is intimidated by my asshole of a step-father....My friend said there will be other giys but this problem will surface everytime! I hate it....part of the reason I decided to be more open-minded(other than because it's wrong) is because I have a younger brother and sister who are being taught the same things I was...fortunately they aren't as easily influenced as I was and have formed their own opinions...sometimes my step-dad shows when I listen to my Brother speak,and I make sure he knows that what he said is wrong! Man I'm totally crushed right now...I stayed at work 20 minutes after I clocked out cause I didn't want to see them! Sad this blows and I'll be glad when I'm finally able to live my life the way I want to!


once again sorry for the long post! but I think asshole knows,he's being a dick to me since I got home...but I don't think I care I'm too pissed...Now I'm crying!
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VelvetRainDrops
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:35 pm

So he didn't say why or anything?

I'm sorry about the situation
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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:10 pm

^ the only reason he gave was cause he wasn't allowed to see me! Sad
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cklover42
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:49 pm

I totally feel for you and also this guy because that is a really hard position for him as well. He is interested but has to deal with your stepfather who wont make it easy. That is so wrong and like the rest of us I wish there was more we could do to help.
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 7:02 pm

sorry to hear this. hopefully after time he'll text you back. hugs
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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:10 pm

cklover42 wrote:
I totally feel for you and also this guy because that is a really hard position for him as well. He is interested but has to deal with your stepfather who wont make it easy. That is so wrong and like the rest of us I wish there was more we could do to help.


Yeah I actually don't blame him for running in the opposite direction and I really wouldn't wish this situation on anyone else I was pissed at pops I have no reason to ever be mad at Matt he was still pretty nice about it (I was kind of hoping he wasa bit mean that would have made it easier:lol:)...plus he actually likes my step-dad,and I don't think he knows the REAL reason he doesn't approve of us dating...this situation sucks but I'll recover...I appreciate the help ladies...thanks to ya'll I actually worked up enough courage to ask my mother how she feels...not on the Matt subject but in general...she said she'd perfer it if I'd date only black men,but If I'm happy then she'd be happy....I told her good cause I'm gonna need someone on my side...she says "cause you know you're gonna have a fight on your hands Laughing " a fight indeed! and this isn't a laughing matter....but I truely appreciate the insight you guys such intelligent ladies on here!.... I love you
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Lusty
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 10:44 pm

I'm glad that we were able to help you Smile I'm sorry for how this has all turned out but at least you took a chance right?
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TwilightLulu82
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:43 pm

You are braver then I am, I usually let them get away without taking a chance cuz I am usually to scared. Which is why I've been single so damn long.
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cklover42
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:56 pm

At least now you wont have to worry about the should have could have would haves you know you tried and thats what counts
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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:01 am

TwilightLulu82 wrote:
You are braver then I am, I usually let them get away without taking a chance cuz I am usually to scared. Which is why I've been single so damn long.


Girl that isn't the case...I usually don't do stuff like this...I never talk to guys...I just felt truely compelled to this time...but I am super shy! and completely akward around the opposite sex lol! but I am glad I took a chance I hate other people deciding my fate for me...No regrets...if anything If he was still thinking about me...he now knows that I was interested in him(something he didn't know before) so there's something else for him to think about heh! I'm definitely keeping a positive attitude in all this!


I love you you guys!
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Tamran
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sun Feb 08, 2009 6:41 pm

girl i'm so sorry. not only for this but for everytime this may happen. i hate that he has to be that way! *hugs*

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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Sun Feb 08, 2009 10:21 pm

Sorry it didn't work out girl I love you way to stay positive though!!
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*Shantanee*
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PostSubject: Re: Dilemma   Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:13 am

Thanks again ladies....I'm trying my hardest not to lose my fucking mind.....not in the clear yet...Matt could tell him everything...but I have already endured the worst when it comes to him...I'm still a bit miserable...I just can't help who I like I have tried all my life,but I can't anymore...and I've come to the conclusion that I really need to get my stuff right so I can leave here this house makes me depressed!...and my sis will have the same problem...she's in love with a Matt as well.....last name Hardy lol! and my brother only has eyes for the WWE divas...and his dad hates it! so they will need a safe haven and I will accept anyone they decide to date...they are mostly the reason I changed my views on certain things...I need to set a better example for them and for any future children I may have! ahh feels good to be a better person lol!
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