i found this on a blog and thought it was pretty funny so i decided to share it on here
[Bella Swan is a clumsy, bookish seventeen-year-old girl who lives in Phoenix until her mother marries a younger baseball player and wanted to go on the road with him, so Bella decides to move back up to the middle of rainy nowhere with her dad Charlie, the Forks chief of police, with whom she actually seems to have a relationship in the movie. Already I am disconcerted because Bella is 500% less whiny and passive-aggressive about it all than she is in the book.]
BELLA: Weíre gonna be all right, pet cactus. Weíre gonna be all right.
PET CACTUS: ...
Hey, Itís Bellaís Broke-Ass Truck!
CHARLIE: Surprise! I bought my best friendís broke-ass truck for you!
BELLA: Wow, I somehow love it! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Dadís friend Billy!
BILLY: Oh, and I thought Iíd bring my son Jacob over early in the movie, you know, before you meet CREEPY BOYS.
[So Bella goes to school and the kids immediately seize on her newcomerness, all "Sweet ride!" and "Síup, Arizona!, " but theyíre really charming in a doofy way and some of them are actually not white, if you can believe it. ROLL CALL! Jessica, the bitchy one! Angela, the sweet one! Eric, the goofy Asian kid who wants to go out with Bella! Mike, the goofy white kid who wants to go out with Bella! Tyler, the goofy black kid who drives a van (and also wants to go out with Bella)! Bellaís kind of overwhelmed by all the attention but mostly she deals with it and actually learns peopleís names and itís kind of blowing my mind. WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH BELLA SWAN?]
The Lunchroom of Destiny
[So Bella actually makes friends and if she bitches about them at least we donít hear it. And then the Cullen "foster kids" slooooo-mooooo in, not eating and not talking to anyone else and totally coupled up together all wearing their Very Very Special Cullen Crest Heraldic Jewelry. No wonder everyone at school hates them. ~*ROLL CALL!*~ Rosalie, the bitchy blonde! Emmett, the meathead jock! Alice, who twirls! Jasper, who looks pained!]
[And then... enter Edward.]
EDWARD: *Jaaaaaaames Deaaaaaaans*
MIKE: Hey Bella, you want me to walk with you to biology?
BELLA: Iím sorry, you exist?
[Thereís only one seat open and guess whose table itís at. NO, GUESS. Edwardís even sitting in front of a taxidermy owl so it looks like he has wings sprouting from his shoulders. You know. Because he is an angel marble cupcake Adonis. And then he gets a whiff of Bellaís outrageous flavor, clutches his nose, and spends the entirety of biology looking like heís going to hurl.]
BELLA: I... I have no self-esteem now. lmfao
Somewhere That Wasnít in the Book
[Hey, there are bad vampires and they eat people.]
Charlieís Favorite Diner
[Bellaís attempt at stewing over Edwardís prolonged, inexplicably jerkassy absence from school is interrupted by half the townsfolk reminiscing about their favorite Bella memories:]
SOME GUY: Look, itís little Isabella Swan!
SOME WAITRESS: Hereís that cobbler you loved in fifth grade!
SOME WEIRD FRIEND OF CHARLIEíS: HEY BELLA REMEMBER ME PLAYING SANTA CLAUS?
CHARLIE: Um, WHEN SHE WAS FOUR?
Hey, Look Who Decided to Show Up for Biology!
EDWARD: Hello. Please... allow me to introduce... myself. I am... Edward Cullen.
BELLA: Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?
EDWARD: I had to... go. Somewhere. For reasons totally unrelated to wanting to kill you.
BELLA: Did you get contacts while you were somewhere? Last week your eyes were black, and this week they are golden melted topaz butterscotch.(i wanted to add... and i can totally see the outlines of the lenses...)
EDWARD: *stares, turns around, leaves*
BELLA: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!
Forks High, Parking Lot
[Edward is totally not stalking Bella from across the icy parking lot, no, why do you ask WHEN SUDDENLY HERE COMES TYLERíS DEATH VAN OMG and it is careening at Bella crushwards and suddenly Edward is THERE and he throws her down (unf) and he stops the speeding van with his BARE HAND and then he DAZZLES HER.]
[And then he hops a fence and runs away. Slick.]
St. Forkswhere Hospital
[The doctor attending Bella is really hot young. And he has weirdly blond hair. And melted topaz butterscotch OH HEYYYYYYYY.]
BELLA: Itís a good thing Edward was able to leap across the parking lot to save me, wasnít it, Dr. Cullen?
CARLISLE: Itís a good thing you hit your head and no one will believe you, isnít it?
[He smiles so pretty when heís lying.]
[So Bellaís leaving the hospital and she comes across Dr. Cullen and Edward and Rosalie having a not-very-secret pow-wow:]
ROSALIE: FUCK YOU, EDWARD! NOW WEíRE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN!
CARLISLE: Now, Rosalie, have some compassion...
[So Edward goes to smooth things over with Bella, because he is so good at that.]
EDWARD: What? I was totally standing next to you the whole time.
BELLA: NO YOU WERENíT BECAUSE YOU NEVER STAND NEXT TO ME SO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OR WHAT?
EDWARD: NO, BECAUSE--NO!
Some Field Trip
[To... a greenhouse, to learn about... compost? Hey, you guys wanna come visit my recycling bin next time?]
EDWARD: So... I wanted to apologize for being rude but not for the rudeness of being rude about not being rude, which I am being right now.
EDWARD: In conclusion, we canít be friends, k thanks bye. hahaha
[Outside, Bella tries to approach Edward again while everyoneís piling onto the buses. Jasper looks pained, but Alice is all excited:]
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I love--
EDWARD: SHUT IT, ALICE
BELLA: WHY DIDNíT YOU JUST LET ME DIE FROM SMUSH?
EDWARD: Do you honestly think Iím sorry I saved you from the Death Van? How could you think such a thing? NO YOU CANíT SIT WITH US!
BELLA: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH?!
Epic Romance in the Lunchroom
[After toying with The Hackysack Apple of I See What You Did There, Edward gets to the point, which is not that he doesnít want to be friends, but...]
EDWARD: What if Iím not a superhero? What if... Iím the bad guy?
BELLA: ... Hot.
Rock Me, Sexy Vampire
[Meanwhile, Shirtless James and the other two Bad Vamps show up and Charlieís weird friend gets dead. Also, James has no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.] <-- isn't that the truth
The Beach, La Push Reservation
[Angela, who is my favorite character after Alice (who is awesome), and Bella are huddled together for warmth while all the other kids go, like, ice-surfing or something.]
ANGELA: I really want to go to the prom with Eric--
BELLA: Not Ben?
ANGELA: Ben? No one named Ben goes to this school. Anyway: ERIC. I want to go with him but he will never ask me, woe.
BELLA: You should ask him yourself! You are a strong, independent woman. Trust me, I know what Iím talking about.
[Iím sorry, what? Did Bella Swan just call herself independent bond with one of the mundanes? Wonders will never cease.]
[And then Jacob shows up with his as-yet-unfursploded posse, who are all like, did you bring any Cullens? BECAUSE THEY CANíT COME HERE.]
BELLA: Wait, what?
JACOB: Yeah, thereís all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the í30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
Casa de Swan
[So Bella goes home and hits Google and comes up with, like, http:// quileutelegends.com/coldones/vampires_duh.html. She resolves to go to some bookstore in Port Angeles and pick up a book that is relevant to her interests, because apparently Amazon doesnít deliver to Forks.]
BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen, although for some reason I chose to imagine him lurking in the corner of my room like a complete psychopath.
[Honey, thatís what you think.]
Some Dress Shop in Port Angeles
[Angela and Jessica try on prom dresses while Bella sits in the window, not even pretending to pay attention to them.]
JESSICA: So--boobtastic, or just boobalicious?
BELLA: Look, so, I donít actually care about either of you two so Iím gonna go scope some plot-important bookstores now.
[Ah, this is the Bella I know.]
The Mean Streets of Port Angeles
[After she buys her book -- "Everything You Wanted to Know About Quileute Legends But Didnít Want to Ask the Werewolf Kid" -- Bella manages to get cornered by the one gang of roving lowlifes in a small tourist town BUT SUDDENLY Edward swoops in, grabs Bella and charges them with The Vampire Volvo of Great Justice and all the lowlifes are like DAMN THAT HIGH-SCHOOL KID IS HARDCORE. Heigh ho Volvo, away!that last part totally just melded with the condom commercial and I can't explain where my mind is right now.
La Hipster Italia
[Look, donít even ask me whatís up with the waitressís hair, I donít know.] omg I can't even breath right now
EDWARD: I FEEL VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU.
BELLA: Thatís hot.
[That sound you hear is me facepalming.]
EDWARD: So I was stalking you around town but I lost you and then I heard their terrible awful killing-you thoughts and--
BELLA: Wait, you what?
EDWARD: ... Shit.
[So Edward spills his guts about how he can read everyoneís mind except Bellaís. On the upside, he manages to keep his mouth shut about the whole vampire thing, which is more than heís able to do in the book.]
Wait, Somethingís Happening? What?
BELLA: Wait, whatís going on at the police station?
EDWARD: Wait, why is my not-dad there?
CARLISLE: Bella, Iím so sorry... your fatherís weird friend was killed by a feral plot point.
BELLA: I didnít even know we had those in this movie!
CARLISLE [significant look ]: I know. Theyíre very rare in Forks.
EDWARD [mind-reading ]: D:<
Casa de Swan
[So Bella goes home with her dad from the police station instead of with Edward and reads up on Quileute legends and how the Cold Ones are actually called some word Iíve never seen before in my vampire-loving life and they exist all over the world but particularly in the middle of rainy nowhere and you will know them by their speed and their strength and their cold white marble skin and their butterscotch eyes and their inability to talk to girls.]
Forks High, The Next Morning
BELLA: You. Me. Forest. NOW. <--that's exactly how it happened.
The Forest of Imminent Revelation
[The jig, she is up. Bella casts all the evidence back in his face. There is no turning back.]
EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE
EDWARD: ARE YOU AFRAID?
EDWARD: Wait, what?
[Edward drags her by the arm through the woods, like, what, you couldnít get a good enough grip on her hair or something? Damn. Then he zooms her up the mountain on a forcible piggyback ride and storms off into a single spotlight sunbeam in an epic snit over what a monster he is, he must SHOW HER the HORROR OF HIS BEING, a TERRIBLE SECRET accompanied by the SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINDCHIMES:]
ahh the windchimes....
EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.
BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?
BELLA: Oh, so itís a drugstore brand?
EDWARD: THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!
BELLA: FINE. WHATEVER. But the lipstick, thatís gotta be Cargo, right?
[Over in some other clearing he starts pitching a grand mal hissy, throwing trees and shit around because canít she see, he is THE WORLDíS SPARKLIEST PREDATOR, but Bella doesnít care, SHE DOESNíT CAAAAARE, and Edward has to jump into a tree to get away from her because he might LOSE CONTROL, okay, he must NEVER LOSE CONTROL and it is REALLY REALLY HARD, okay? And Bellaís all like, really? How hard? and she goes climbing up into the tree after him, like, DAMN, GIRL! GO GET A PIECE OF THAT! and finally heís like, the combined force of your flavor and your crazy overpowers me, I must know what are you thinking, and sheís like, I AM THINKING THAT I LOVE YOU and because the ankle-tattoo people insisted on it, the following exchange is finally committed to celluloid (I am not making this up):]
EDWARD: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
BELLA: Stupid lamb.
EDWARD: Sick, masochistic lion.
[I donít remember exactly what happens next because I fell over dead at this point.]
The Meadow of ~*Great Sparkle*~
[And then they lie down, slowly, tenderly, among the flowers in his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow) and stare at each other, not touching, softly arguing whoís prettier.]
[Congratulations, Catherine Hardwicke: you have invented the sexless sex scene!]
The Morning After
[So the next morning Edward picks Bella up in The Vampire Volvo and pimps on in to school like a total mack and everyoneís like WHOA THAT WEIRD CULLEN KID ACTUALLY GOT LAID? and heís all like, no, I sparkled for A GIRL!]