HomeFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 You have to read this its HILARIOUS

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
TwilightLulu82
True Twilighter


Female
Number of posts : 2414
Age : 34
Location : Jacksons underwear drawer sniffin his undies!
Job/hobbies : Slacker/Student
Humor : Insane, Sarcastic, Loud
Registration date : 2008-08-26

PostSubject: You have to read this its HILARIOUS   Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:29 pm

MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "TWILIGHT"
By Eric D. Snider


Scene 1
BELLA: I'm sad to leave the hellish, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of rubes. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different!
DAD: Hi, Bella! Welcome to Forks, Washington. I'm glad you've stopped playing mother to your own flighty, irresponsible mom and come here to be my mother instead.
BELLA: It will be my pleasure to cook and clean for you.
DAD: I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair!
BELLA: I ... have no response for that.
* * * * *
Scene 2
BELLA: It's tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can't they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself?
CLASSMATE: You're awesome, Bella!
BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey -- who are those hot people over there?
CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians.
BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.
CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.
BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I'm not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow -- LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.
CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.
* * * * *
Scene 3
EDWARD: Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute.
BELLA: There is something strange about you.
EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don't know what you mean.
BELLA: I just can't put my finger on what it is.
EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You're imagining things.
BELLA: I feel like you're hiding something from me.
EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit's blood) Don't be silly!
BELLA: It's like you're different somehow.
EDWARD: (turns into bat; flies away)
BELLA: Hmm. I bet he's gay.
* * * * *
Scene 4
JACOB: You should be careful with those Cullens. Many moons ago, our tribe's elders, who were werewolves, made a pact with the Cullens, who were vampires. They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos.
BELLA: What, still? Even after all this time has passed?
JACOB: Nope.
BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians?
JACOB: I know, right?
BELLA: Let me guess -- you're a character whose only job is to provide exposition, and you won't be useful until the next book.
JACOB: Yes. At the earliest.
* * * * *
Scene 5
BELLA: Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me.
EDWARD: No problem. If anyone's going to tear you limb from limb and gorge themselves on your sweet, delicious, life-giving blood, it's going to be me.
BELLA: Aw, you say the nicest things! I'm pretty sure you're a vampire, that I'm in love with you, and that part of you wants to kill me.
EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me.
BELLA: LOL!
* * * * *
Scene 6
EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball!
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats?
(Crickets.)
EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They've been very eager to eat you.
BELLA: You mean meet me?
EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say?
ALICE: I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human!
EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you'd better go. I don't want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling.
BELLA: Right! I wouldn't want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off!
* * * * *
Scene 7
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: You puny humans are so predictable and weak. Now I've got you alone, free to toy with you and torture you and deliver lengthy explanatory monologues to you! I just hope I don't waste so much time fartin' around that when I finally do decide to kill you it's too late because Edward and the Cullens have arrived to save you!
BELLA: That would certainly be an unusual twist!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: I must say, I can see why Edward likes you. Your smell is overpowering!
BELLA: Oh, you can smell that? Sorry, I thought I could sneak one out....
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Never mind! At last it is time for me to--
EDWARD: Not so fast, Count Jerkula!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Edward! And the Cullens! Who could have foreseen your perfectly timed arrival?!
ALICE: I could have! Didn't, but could have!
(Fighting ensues. MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES is vanquished.)
EDWARD: Bella! Are you OK? He bit you! I've got to suck out the vampire poison!
BELLA: Edward, you don't have to make up excuses to put your mouth on me. I mean honestly, who ever heard of "vampire poison"?
EDWARD: I'm serious! It's coursing through your veins as we speak!
BELLA: Uh-huh. Whatever you say, Powder.
* * * * *
Scene 8
BELLA: Why did you bring me to the prom, Edward? You know I can't dance, and that I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful, which happens all the time.
EDWARD: I don't want your dangerous psychological infatuation with a vampire to interfere with your regular life.
BELLA: But I want to BE a vampire! I want you to do it to me. It will strengthen our love for each other. I want to become one with you. And what better night than prom night? We can do it in the back of the limo.
EDWARD: Wait, what are we talking about?
BELLA: I don't know. All the metaphors have started to run together.
EDWARD: You're sure you want to be a vampire?
BELLA: Yes.
EDWARD: Well, how about if I press my lips against your throat in an ambiguous way, just enough to ensure that readers come back for the sequel?
BELLA: It's a deal.
(Fade to black; roll credits; send in ushers to mop up audience's tears and drool.)
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.myspace.com/sinfulwitch
Xtremeangel
In Love With Eclipse


Female
Number of posts : 616
Age : 33
Location : Preston, UK or stalking Donnie Wahlberg and other hot men!
Job/hobbies : Owner of a broken left foot
Registration date : 2008-09-15

PostSubject: Re: You have to read this its HILARIOUS   Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:40 pm

lol!!
The james fi-fy-fo-fum thing made me laugh!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.twitter.com/xtremeangel
TwilightLulu82
True Twilighter


Female
Number of posts : 2414
Age : 34
Location : Jacksons underwear drawer sniffin his undies!
Job/hobbies : Slacker/Student
Humor : Insane, Sarcastic, Loud
Registration date : 2008-08-26

PostSubject: Re: You have to read this its HILARIOUS   Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:43 pm

I literally laughed out loud! Where she is telling Edward there is something strange about it. I couldn't contain my laughter.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.myspace.com/sinfulwitch
TwilightLulu82
True Twilighter


Female
Number of posts : 2414
Age : 34
Location : Jacksons underwear drawer sniffin his undies!
Job/hobbies : Slacker/Student
Humor : Insane, Sarcastic, Loud
Registration date : 2008-08-26

PostSubject: Re: You have to read this its HILARIOUS   Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:52 pm

I wasn't sure if I should make a whole new topic for this so I put it here.. This is funny as shit but I warn you there is some language..

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid372203941/bctid2881433001
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.myspace.com/sinfulwitch
Kenzie
Whoa! Over Breaking Dawn


Female
Number of posts : 830
Location : Iowa
Registration date : 2008-08-26

PostSubject: Re: You have to read this its HILARIOUS   Sun Nov 30, 2008 4:09 pm

Omg lol I really did laugh!!!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: You have to read this its HILARIOUS   Today at 11:44 pm

Back to top Go down
 
You have to read this its HILARIOUS
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Would Anyone Read a Book About a 19-year-old's Rough Life?
» Anybody ever read Autopsy Room Four?
» Anyone read Pillars of the Earth?
» You Gotta Read Videos Contest
» Has anyone ever read any Lynn Austin books?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Twilighters :: ON THE BIG SCREEN :: Twilight The Movie-
Jump to: